Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
