I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
