i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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