I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you didnt know i had herpes?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
