Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
