Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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