I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
