why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
