life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
