I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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