The maid of honor just puked.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
