just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
