Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
