The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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