bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
