I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I forget how to act sober
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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