so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
