My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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