he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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