Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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