I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
