I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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