I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
