I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
