dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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