you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
