She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
