i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
