do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
