what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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