I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
