ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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