I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
