he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Found your dick twin last night
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
