k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
