I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
