Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
