It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She bit a glass in half.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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