I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
