Quick, to the slutcave!
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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