dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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