**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize
