i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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