I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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