Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
