That's intense
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think I sprained my soul last night
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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