My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
