im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
