i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
