I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
zippers are such a cool invention
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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